Breaking Up with Grace
Words by Katherine Castillo Eustaquio
Published in Total Fitness Magazine October 2011 Issue
After writing a love-and-lust blog for the past two years and hearing first-hand stories from friends, one of the most crucial lessons I’ve learned about relationships is this: breakups are messy…even if they’re not yours.
James Ingram was right, there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. However, there are ways to do it with grace. Here’s a list breakup etiquette you can employ in dealing with relationships that don’t work anymore.
Think it over (over and over) but keep it to yourself.
I have a friend who keeps breaking up with her boyfriend with me. During times of distress, she often confides in me—and the entire Facebook community—that they’re over. So it goes, we would rush to her rescue and ask what happened to which she would go silent for a few days. Later she would announce that they’re still together so can everyone please back off? She does the same thing once every two months. Before taking the first step in breaking up with someone, make up your mind first to spare yourself—and your partner—the humiliation.
Be direct. Be kind.
If you think vague lines like “it’s not you, it’s me” are the kindest things to say (because you’re literally blaming yourself), you’re wrong. Everybody needs closure and that’s the kindest thing you can offer someone you’re breaking up with. When asked, offer a concrete reason for the breakup. It might be harsh to hear but in the long run, you’re giving him a peace of mind.
Do-It-Yourself
While it’s so easy to type “we’re over” and hit the send button, breaking up over IM, Facebook, SMS, Skype, or simply going MIA (missing in action) in a flash, this is the most demeaning thing you can do to a former partner. After closure, the 2nd best thing you can give someone is respect. End the relationship in private. Face to face.
Don’t Offer Friendship
It’s a common mistake: asking to stay friends after the relationship. Even if the decision is mutual, ex lovers can’t really be friends right after the breakup. When the relationship has ended, don’t hang around under the pretense of friendship. Leave your former partner alone and let him recover by himself. Let friendship come at a time when nothing is enforced.
Avoid Sex for Old Time’s Sake
It’s so tempting to run back to the past when you’re desperately searching for a sense of familiarity in your life. While grief can cause you to fall back into old patterns, it only offers temporary relief. The longer it takes for you to take the first step towards getting better, the deeper you’ll be stuck in a rabbit’s hole.
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Published in Total Fitness Magazine October 2011 Issue
After writing a love-and-lust blog for the past two years and hearing first-hand stories from friends, one of the most crucial lessons I’ve learned about relationships is this: breakups are messy…even if they’re not yours.
James Ingram was right, there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. However, there are ways to do it with grace. Here’s a list breakup etiquette you can employ in dealing with relationships that don’t work anymore.
Think it over (over and over) but keep it to yourself.
I have a friend who keeps breaking up with her boyfriend with me. During times of distress, she often confides in me—and the entire Facebook community—that they’re over. So it goes, we would rush to her rescue and ask what happened to which she would go silent for a few days. Later she would announce that they’re still together so can everyone please back off? She does the same thing once every two months. Before taking the first step in breaking up with someone, make up your mind first to spare yourself—and your partner—the humiliation.
Be direct. Be kind.
If you think vague lines like “it’s not you, it’s me” are the kindest things to say (because you’re literally blaming yourself), you’re wrong. Everybody needs closure and that’s the kindest thing you can offer someone you’re breaking up with. When asked, offer a concrete reason for the breakup. It might be harsh to hear but in the long run, you’re giving him a peace of mind.
Do-It-Yourself
While it’s so easy to type “we’re over” and hit the send button, breaking up over IM, Facebook, SMS, Skype, or simply going MIA (missing in action) in a flash, this is the most demeaning thing you can do to a former partner. After closure, the 2nd best thing you can give someone is respect. End the relationship in private. Face to face.
Don’t Offer Friendship
It’s a common mistake: asking to stay friends after the relationship. Even if the decision is mutual, ex lovers can’t really be friends right after the breakup. When the relationship has ended, don’t hang around under the pretense of friendship. Leave your former partner alone and let him recover by himself. Let friendship come at a time when nothing is enforced.
Avoid Sex for Old Time’s Sake
It’s so tempting to run back to the past when you’re desperately searching for a sense of familiarity in your life. While grief can cause you to fall back into old patterns, it only offers temporary relief. The longer it takes for you to take the first step towards getting better, the deeper you’ll be stuck in a rabbit’s hole.
