Verbal Band-Aid: I’m Sorry
Words by Victoria Lyee (pen name)
Published in Total Fitness Magazine May 2012 Issue
I had a best friend in high school. And like most clichés, I was the nerd and she’s the pretty, popular kid. I treated her like a teenage sister. Unfortunately, she found herself a new “best friend” behind my back. Being the nerd that I was, I kept my feelings and shattered heart in check and decided not to confront her until 12 years later when I finally saw what a fair-weather friend she had been all these years.
After much drama, she did give me that long overdue apology and closure that I needed, but only because she needed my help to get back on her cheating boyfriend. Simply because I thought that’s what good friends do, I rallied behind her—only to be deleted and blocked on Facebook and dropped me like a hot rock when they got back together and her boyfriend asked her to cut ties with me. I never heard from her again.
As humans, we are vulnerable to getting hurt and hurting back. Whether we do it out of malice, selfishness, loutishness, prudence, or choosing the lesser evil, our intentions do not justify the results of our actions. Someone’s feelings got hurt and many people—despite the fact that there are many ways to make amends—still need to hear the exact words. As you read this article, think of the people you owe a heartfelt apology. Below are some helpful steps on how to go through one of the most difficult tasks you’ve been putting off:
Step 1. Pinpoint the source and scope of damage.
What caused you to hurt the feelings of a particular friend? Was it malice, low self-esteem, injustice? How did your actions affect their lives? Is the damage irreversible> Knowing full well the why and the how will help you with step 2.
Step 2. Decide on what and how much to say.
Sometimes, two words will suffice. Sometimes, you need a speech worthy of the Golden Globe Awards. Regardless of length, it has to be one thing: genuine.
Step 3. Mode of repair.
Having the ability to apologize is one of the most important factors in strengthening any relationship. However, there are some cases when you feel the need to apologize but would rather not be friends with the person anymore. Whatever your choice, keep in mind that there is no instant gratification and that actions need to accompany the words.
It took me twelve years to apologize to the one person who desperately needed my apology in the first place—myself. I should have been smarter enough to avoid toxic friendships. I know this is long overdue but here goes: “I’m sorry Victoria. I should have spoken up twelve years ago but I didn’t want to appear weak. That high school drama made you bitter, anxious and scared to have ‘best friends’ again. I’m really sorry that I put you through that.”
Most people don’t realize is that some ill feelings are self-induced and that you also need to apologize to yourself once in a while in order to move on.
