New Moon Sucks, Literally And Figuratively Speaking

Words by Katherine C. Eustaquio
Disclaimer: Read at your own risk.

Last Saturday, Jet and I went to the movie screening of New Moon in Robinson’s Galleria courtesy of Samsung Philippines. Thank God the traffic wasn’t that horrible and Jet was a fast driver. We made it just in time after running from the parking lot to Cinema 4. Take note: I was wearing boots and we ran like it was nothing to me. Harhar.

Man, the line at the ticket booth was shocking! We couldn’t spot Leo because the place was so crowded it was almost scary—excited hormones zooming all over the place. I called Leo and spotted him waving from afar. Movie invites, check. Popcorn, hotdogs, sodas, check. Jet with me, check!

Now, for the movie review.  Wait, a little Twilight flashback first.
Okay, so I watched the first movie installment (Twilight) three times. On the silver screen. I know, right?

I read the book because I was caught in the hype of this “vampire romance thing.” And since Twilight came out during the time when everyone’s waiting for Harry and Hermoine to grow up and discover the birds and the bees (Come on, HP is so wholesome I can’t take it, joke. Hahahaha), Twilight’s debut was perfect! It captured the curiosity of the millions, particularly the teen populace.

I watched Twilight on its first day; saw it again a week later with a friend as a “coffee date movie”; and once more with my old officemates during my Makati days. I really couldn’t say I like it that much to see it three times on the silver screen. It just so happened that there weren’t too many options at that time and besides, I saw it twice for free. Who am I to complain? Hahahaha.

So when Jet and I watched it at his house (just so he’ll understand the 2nd movie installment), the lines were coming out of my ears it was painful already. And it was only then I realized that even the first movie sucks, figuratively speaking.

But boy, New Moon was worse than I thought.

New Moon
If you’ve read the book, you’ll agree with me that 2/3 was spent describing Bella’s irritating take on her recent heartbreak. Not to mention her suicidal attempts.

Stephenie Meyer was able to string 400++ pages worth of adjectives, adverbs, and pronouns. Yes! She’s that goooooood…NOT! The book was so boring, I skipped several chapters. That time, I was actually looking forward to how they could transform such a stupid book into a Hollywood chick flick.

Apparently, they did.
And they flopped.
New Moon sucks.

Storyline
It was a big, expensive mess. It’s like the story line is all crooked and zooming towards different directions. The parts of the story (exposition, conflict, rising action, climax, falling action, resolution) were scattered and not properly coordinated, just like in the book. I don’t know if it’s Meyer’s own writing style or she simply didn’t know what she was doing. Take your pick.

Casting (or why Edward Cullen failed)
Here’s the gist: Robert Pattinson can’t act. But he can pose.  I loved him in Harry Potter as Cedric Diggory, maybe it’s because his was a supporting role. But in Twilight, he’s the leading actor and I was expecting much from him.

In Twilight, he was like a whiff of fresh air: okay, here’s a new vampire. Let’s see what he’s got. Mundane actor + good marketing strategy = success! Look, it’s Hannah Montana! With all the hype that was Twilight, we all put a blind eye on his obvious lack of acting skills.

His performance in New Moon left so much to be criticized. And it was only now when I finally realized that he wasn’t that good looking as described in the book. He was…stone-y. Straight from Jasper’s description in Twilight: Edward Cullen now looks like the one who’s always in pain. It seemed as if someone punched him straight in the fact in the entire duration of the movie.

Makeup / Torsos and more torsos
I never understood why Meyer’s vampires don’t have fangs…at all…in the movie. Come on! It’s like Harry Potter without the lightning-shaped scar; Archie without his freckles; Blair without her enormous headbands.

And Meyer’s Hollywood vampires are not pale-skinned. The makeup was so superficial that their red lips made them all look gay to me. So yes, Bill Compton is the epitome of a hot vampire. It’s the fangs, baby! The fangs!

Now, let’s talk torsos.
In the book, I could understand why the wolf pack had to run around in denim shorts. But in the movie, someone please explain to me why they had to be topless all the time? And flex their muscles every five minutes? It’s disgusting! Just like what my friend commented: New Moon was all about torsos, torsos and did I mention more torsos?

Overall
Okay, I actually expected much worse, like Kristen Stewart gagging like there’s no tomorrow. I had to admit, Kristen Stewart’s performance improved, slightly, with the running scene. Apart from that, she still acts like she’s bored all the time. Good thing she has a pretty face.

If there’s one aspect in this entire New Moon bonanza I really like, it’s Ashley Greene’s portrayal of Alice Cullen. In fact, Alice Cullen and Charlie Swan are the only characters in the book that are not frustrating. So I vote for the eccentric pixie-sized vampire!

The problem with the entire Twilight Saga is that people think it’s really amazing when in truth, it’s simply okay. Like I said, it’s like Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers: nothing special, just good marketing. Not to mention, the books are 600++ worth of stringed adjectives about unconventional vampires enclosed in elegant covers. Nothing special. It’s all hype.

Whew.
Burn me at the stake here, but New Moon sucks.