Goodbye Tootsie, Goodbye

Words by Katherine C. Eustaquio

I’ll always remember the first time I held you.
You were just this tiny bundle of fur ball the size of my palm.
You were scared.
You were separated from your blood family
and we were but strangers to you.



I’ll always remember your first days with us.
You were quite the antisocial type.
You were distant.
And we had to pry you loose from underneath the sofa,
just beside the piano.



I’ll always remember the first time you we fed you.
You were very picky.
We had to mix your dog food with milk and
line up the pieces creating a trail…
So you would be entertained enough to eat.


I’ll always remember your first car ride.
You fitted perfectly in our fruits basket where your tiny claws
were stuck deep in the crevices and your small tail raised high in defense…



You were so scared that you peed on Mom’s lap.
She playfully slapped your small body ever so tenderly…
…so you’d learn. And you did.
That was the first and last time you peed when we’re on the road.



I’ll always remember the first time you went to Crowne Plaza.
You spent the night at Ole first,
because we thought we couldn’t sneak you in.
Daddy was up all night because he was so worried about you.



At five in the morning, Daddy and Mommy rushed to Ole to get you.
When they arrived, they found you wide-eyed and wary…alone.
It was the first time you spent the night at an unfamiliar place.

Daddy and Mommy hid you inside a big bag, underneath tons of clothes,
and instructed you to keep quiet throughout the elevator ride.
And you were very quiet. No even a whimper of protest.

But when you entered our room in Crowne Plaza, you barked.
You were running happily, wagging your tail in excitement,
and we played all day and all night.



And do you remember your first trip to Market Market?
Despite your thick fur, your eyes turned a scary shade of red
because of the cold.



Mom bought you your first pink sweater and placed you
on the shelf-full of stuffed toys,
where everyone got their cameras and snapped countless
pictures of you.
We were so proud.





We’ll never forget your first Christmas with us.
All of us couldn’t contain our joy wrapping small gifts for us to open
for you on Christmas Day.
We took photos, attended mass, went to the mall,
and kissed like one big family.






And I’ll never, ever forget the first time we held you paws
to sing Ama Namin.
Your hind legs were so strong because you stood patiently
while we held your paws in prayer.
Everyone was looking at our family amused, curious, and probing.
But we didn’t care.



You were more intelligent than most people I know.
And we know that you understood the customs
and traditions you were part of.



Do you remember your first trip to Cavite? To Tagaytay?
You were, naturally, the center of everyone’s attention.
And we took a drive through at Jollibee where Kuya Patrick held you to the windows as we ordered two buckets of chicken.
You loved Chickenjoy so much.


One of my favorite memories of you is how busted you look
whenever we catch you humping the big Hello Kitty toy we gave you.
You’d stop and stare at us with a poker face.
No sooner than we turn our heads, you’d proceed to humping
Hello Kitty once more.
We thought you look so funny.




I’ll never forget the first time you got pregnant.
Mommy and Tita Rose even took pictures of you and Maui
as you got to know each other.
Your stomach became bigger and bigger as days passed.
And just like humans, your fur became shinier, your eyes more vibrant.
You looked so beautiful, elegant, poised.




All of us will never forget the first time you gave birth.
Daddy and Ate Anne were the ones who brought
your first five puppies to the world.
They cut the umbilical cords and meticulously wiped your babies clean.



You remember that one of your babies have 6 paw fingers, don’t you?
And we named him Kuntil, the lucky one.
Chloe, Kuntil, Hero, Isabella, and Princess. Your first five angels.
It never failed to touch our hearts whenever you lick your babies clean
and lay still as your babies feed on your milk.

And just like humans, you looked “losyang” for a while.
And we kept teasing you for that.


And Chloe stayed with us…who eventually became your partner.
It was quite disturbing at first, but we slowly accepted it.
Do you remember how much it annoyed you when Chloe
bites your tail?

You’d run to one of us with Chloe hot on your heels.
You’d tap your paws on our knees so we’d carry you,
away from Chloe’s hanky-panky.


Do you remember our first time to Tagaytay with Chloe?
You acted superior because it was your nth time there already.
We had so much fun running at Picnic Grove, where Chloe caused a big group of teenagers to jump on their feet when he ran to
the middle of the group barking.

It was so chilly in Tagaytay that time;
we slept hugging you because you were shaking as well.


And the next day, we had breakfast at McDonald’s where you and Chloe
ate Longganisa and Rice Meal.
We took pictures of you with Ronald McDonald
where we caught you looking so smug, it was so funny.


I’ll always remember our trips to Bonifacio High Street.
You were quite comfortable in your stroller
while Chloe’s agitated most of the time.





Do you remember your second set of babies?
We named them Oreo and Bugsy.
Oreo, because when he came out, he was pure black and white.
Bugsy, because she has very big eyes, just like the hamster
in Bedtime Stories.
They are your second set of babies and the cutest by far.


When Bugsy got sick and couldn’t breathe,
Dad rushed her to the hospital.
We were all so worried.
Bugsy stayed with us longer and we nursed her back to health
that when it was time to give her to her new family, Dad cried.



Our family will never forget the day we almost lost all of you.
We took you, Chloe, Bugsy and Oreo to Batangas
for an outing with Tita Nona’s family.
You’ve made new friends with Wendy (another shih tzu) and her parents.
Two families with 7 dogs all in all.
We played along the shore.
You even wore goggles and ate steamed fish.


The next day, you stayed with Tito Jun at the cottage
while the rest of us went island hopping.
When the call came that the cottage next door caught fire,
some of us thought of diving and swimming to the shore in record
speed just to help save you.

We were in the middle of the waters and we couldn’t do anything but pray
that Tito Jun could haul the 7 dogs
and the rest of our things out in time.

When we arrived there, you were all standing on top
of a wooden table, safe and alive.

We hugged you tight as we listened how Tito Jun saw all of you
wagging your tails amidst the heavy smoke.

...

Even in my next life, I’ll never forget the way you died…
It took you hours to deliver the last of your three babies…
a girl…just like you.
You were so weak…we thought you were just tired from labor…
You even tapped my knee even though
the last one was till inside of you.
You wanted me to hug you.

The last time I saw you alive, you even had a baby’s diaper on…
but you were so weak…you could hardly open your mouth
to drink water or eat chicken, your favorite.

I knelt beside you and whispered don’t worry everything will be alright.
Gain strength so we can play again.
Wait for me so we can play tomorrow when you’re feeling better.

But you couldn’t wait for me.
When I called home from the office the next day,
they told me you had died.

I’ll always remember the way I broke down in the office.
I hailed a cab and rushed to the veterinary hospital
where they took you.
And when I thought it wasn’t possible for me to break down more…
I cried my lungs out when I saw you inside a small box
on the counter top…I wanted to die too.

They told me you went quietly.
You walked under the bed where you probably had a seizure.

You didn’t want Mommy to see you because you knew she would break down
and she shouldn’t because she just had an operation.

You knew we couldn’t handle seeing you in so much pain.
Ate Anne and Ate Noren carried you and ran to the veterinary hospital
where they tried to resuscitate you.
And where Dr. Ole told us you had died of stroke…

You knew we couldn’t handle seeing you in pain. And so you went quietly.
Without even a whimper of pain.

The last three days were filled with so much tears, regret, and pain.
You were our first dog in a very long time.
You were our first angel.

Do you know that Oreo visited us and we talked about you
while looking at your old pictures?

Do you know that we will never be the same without you?

You have given us more than just memories…
you’ve given us so much joy, love, and contentment.
...


You stayed with me all night when I was writing and drinking wine.
And even shared my plate of antipasti.

You looked at me with curious eyes, but never judged,
whenever I come home at dawn, tiptoeing to my room.

You were, perhaps, the only one who understood
how badly broken I was in 2007.
And you stayed with me till I can walk again.
You were always the first one I hug whenever my heart breaks.

...

No one could ever replace you.
Not in this lifetime, or the next.
Despite being traumatized and left to deal with all this pain, the only consolation we hold on to is that you’re in a place where you’re not hurting anymore, a place where good dogs go when they leave this Earth, a place where we can’t come and get you.



Goodbye Tootsie…
Thank you for the love and the memories.
Thank you for bringing my family and me closer.
You will always be our first baby and I will never allow myself
to forget you.



We will always love you even from afar and you will stay alive
in our hearts, our stories, in our lives.



We loved you so much...
Goodbye Tootsie. Goodbye.